Do I need counselling?
I hear that a lot. We, especially men, are deeply conditioned to “suck it up”, and “deal with it”. To seek counselling still has some of that outdated notion that it means “I am weak” or worse, “I am crazy”. Those ideas originate in the bad old days of ignorant patriarchal psychiatry, the era of routine lobotomies, and are often associated with images of insane asylums. Things are better these days, as our society has evolved, our understanding has increased, and our capacity to deliver effective therapy has been validated. The problems often arise as a result of waiting too long before getting help. You don’t have to be on the brink of suicide to seek help. Just as with a strange rattling sound coming from your car engine, it is better to have it checked out, rather than wait for something to break.
So, back to the question about need. You don’t go to the mechanic for every little rattle and noise. Similarly, you can take care of little issues, habits, conflicts, etc., using your own resources, efforts and skills. Not everyone is able to change their own tires, or work on their brakes, but many are.
If your problems are causing difficulty with your capacity to work, enjoy yourself, or be at peace with yourself, then you probably need therapy. I say “probably” because you always have the option of lurching on through life, flailing from one crisis to another. Some people are so used to that, that it is their comfort zone.
Most people could benefit from counselling, even if they do not need counselling. So often, all someone needs is a few sessions to gain clarification, sharpen some tools, or get a little encouragement. Why go through life beset by little issues that crop up again and again…perhaps not enough to really interfere with your employment or relationships, but enough to be annoyed regularly, as though you have an unwanted house guest that just won’t move on. Maybe they aren’t arsonists, but they are messy and loud. Maybe not all the time, but often enough to be a pain. In such cases, you might benefit from kicking them out, or learning to live with them, even though you may not need to.
Life is more complicated than in former times. We have technology: that alone has added a whole new layer of distraction, demands, messages, dubious norms and stresses onto our lives. We have also been conditioned by a capitalist system that has succeeded in making anxiety a default position, designed to make us consume the products and services that will supposedly make us feel better and be happy. Even psychology has fallen prey to that, having become another consumer product along with the self help movement, especially for crisis interventions after a shooting or disaster. “Self help” is always preferable, according to the marketers, because it feeds into our independence and the so called virtue of self reliance. Of course, we are called to be as self reliant as possible, but we have forgotten that it is because we do not want to be vampires, taking more than we are due. Traditionally, self reliance was unknown. Inter dependence and cooperation was the name of the game. The “lone wolf” image is disconnected from reality, because wolves are highly cooperative. (Interestingly, the popular use of “lone wolf” appeared first in 1897, in the novel The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells. It coincides with the growth of the Industrial Revolution, and the corroding influences of industrialization on society.) Our conditioning has almost eradicated all sense of the sacred, the soul, and sense of the transcendent: all dimensions of life that have traditionally nourished us, relieved stress, and given hope. So yes, we have plenty of reasons to cut ourselves some slack, and treat ourselves to some care. We do so physically, by recognizing the need for exercise. We do so financially, whenever we consult an accountant or use a book keeper. We acknowledge our need for help whenever we grit our teeth and call a lawyer. And we all appreciate a good medical intervention, whether it is to clear up a painful infection, or see a naturopath to deal with a chronic condition.
But getting help for mental and emotional problems still seems to be taboo. Part of the reason for that can be owned by the profession, because not all interventions have been helpful (just like modern medicine). Some counsellors still think, for example, that when someone is depressed, they should “open up, and talk about it.” That does not help. Talking about what depresses you makes it worse. I’ve had men complain to me that their sessions were not helpful at all, or that they didn’t know, even after a few sessions, when the therapy was going to begin. Some don’t feel heard, or they see that the therapist minimized their issue, had another agenda, or what-not. Therapists and counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mushroom psychonaut guides and coaches come in all types, and with a range of skills (see my article on the varieties of counselling).
The other part of the taboo is, as I have described, part of the conditioning our society has been subjected to for decades: “you don’t need anything but the products designed to soothe you. There is nothing wrong with you, it is your choice of product, how you look, how much you have. Just go shopping, already, and feel better.” George Bush, after the 911 attacks in New York, didn’t suggest that people grieve, or reflect upon anything. His advice to the nation, as President, was to “go shopping.”
These days, we have the added complication of a pandemic, mixed messages, family members taking opposite sides, brewing social unrest, climate disruption and species extinction added to the mix of stressors. Then there are workplaces where the demands made on workers are increasingly unrealistic and inconsiderate of basic human limitations…reflecting the attitude we have towards the basic limits of our planet. So yes, some of our mental and emotional problems have real causes. So what do we do?
This is where counselling can help. Having a professional to work with (note I did not say “to talk to”) can help you sort out the different external and internal stressors, name and prioritize their effects, and come up with an action plan to make life more livable, and to feel better.
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