What kind of relationship is this, exactly?
Good question! First, it is one that is both detached and personal. We don’t have many examples of that in daily life, but one person said that meeting a counsellor is “kind of like dating.” That is a good analogy, but unlike dating, if there is a good “fit” between counsellor and client, the relationship should maintain quality of detachment, no matter how personal the ensuing conversations. At one point, the relationship will end. The therapist always keeps that in mind and does his or her best to work towards the ending, when you go off feeling better, acting better, changed in some desired way.
Meeting a counsellor for the first time is the opportunity to ask questions about his or her style, methods and values. But, because we don’t usually know what to ask or to look for, the first encounter or two will depend upon your intuition, your unconscious assessment. It has to feel right. That in itself is not foolproof, but can be a good guide. Give it a few sessions, before making a final decision to stick to it.
I will first describe some of the aspects of therapy where there is trauma or relatively deep and complex issues at work, emotions become unregulated, and cherished relationships are at risk. Then I will describe a relationship where the issues are less intense, less personal, and more along the lines of lifestyle change.
Therapy should be a safe experience. The relationship should always foster a sense of safety, of being able to say anything, and not be judged, to not have your experiences minimized, or deflected. You also don’t want to be concerned that your therapist cannot handle strong emotions or horror stories. You want to know that anything you say will be kept confidential, that any session notes will be stored safely. There is legislation that prescribes confidentiality and safe storage of records.
The therapeutic relationship is one where the counsellor alternates between being passive and active. Someone who “just listens” has limited usefulness – although the capacity to listen carefully, and comfortably hold long silences, is a powerful method of eliciting truths has not had the chance to be expressed. Listening and witnessing are ways to “hold the space”, to create an atmosphere of safety but also of permission to be yourself, to “speak the awful truth”, to disclose the secrets that you may have been holding back, even from yourself.
Listening is closely connected to another primary facet of the therapeutic relationship: reflecting. The counsellor will reflect back to you what you have said. That is a powerful method of helping you realize more of what is going on, of possible distortions, or ways that you minimize something that is actually very central to your inner life.
The more active part of the relationship comes into play when the therapist asks questions designed to elicit clarity, additional details, or new information. And, of course, when challenging something that does not seem consistent, or which is irrational. To be challenged, difficult at the best of times, first requires that the relationship has stabilized, and feels safe. The therapist will sometimes use humour, and a gentle touch when probing the edges of a sensitive area. We do not always know that we have an infected psychic wound. The pain and distress were there for so long, that it has become normal.
This is where a medical analogy is helpful: we see a doctor or nurse with a wound that has become infected. That is like a series of childhood traumas that have gone untreated, and have allowed the formation of maladaptive habits, reactions, and relationships. The infected wound first has to be cleaned. Under the infection is healthy tissue. Under the trauma is a healthy person. The cleaning process can take time, because of the sensitivity. But not always. Once cleaned, healing ointment is applied to prevent further infection. New ways of seeing and being are practised. Finally, the cleaned and treated wound needs to be closed and bandaged. The trauma is put behind you, the need for therapy is ended, and a new chapter of life begins.
Sometimes, trauma is obvious, and you know you have been traumatized because your reactions are out of proportion to whatever it is that reminds you of the traumatic experience. The rewind technique is the best method I know for the rapid relief of trauma. It is also used for phobias and OCD.
Therapy does not always involve the healing of deep wounds. Very often, a person has acquired some bad habits, was not taught some basic life information, had been badly influenced, etc., such that he or she managed to lurch through life, making lots of mistakes, usually feeling pretty bad about themself….plagued with “anxiety”, “depression”, having lots of uncertainty on board.
Take, for example, someone who was doing just fine until the automobile accident and the excruciating back pain. Being unable to continue in the former job that was loved, then having his or her partner leave, and developing an addiction to pain medications…the stage is set for mental and emotional problems, un-managed stress and negative self-talk, to flourish. Even if there was no trauma from the accident, the consequences are severe. Help is needed. Counselling can help get such a person back on track with a new goal, a plan, and steps forward.
The counsellor will help such a person by sorting out the issues, helping you set priorities, pointing you towards needed information, promoting understanding so energy isn’t wasted in blame, teaching specific skills (such as self-hypnosis for pain management), helping you practice those skills (here is where the coaching idea comes into its own), and celebrate your successes.
A good counsellor will appreciate your unique personality, your unique circumstances, and your unique way forward. Nothing will be pushed on you, there is no pressure. Maybe a bit of persuasion, at times, but you should always be in charge of the process, the timing, the pace, and the content. Therapy should help you feel and act more connected to the world around you, healthily connected to your inner world, and promote a sense that you are part of a greater whole: that you belong, that you have the right to be who you are, who you really are.
In summary, a therapist will be accepting of who you are, create a sense of safety and trust, use some humour, lighten things up when necessary, deepen the conversation when indicated, reflect what you say, and actively assist you to understand better, and most importantly, make the changes you need and want. Sometimes those changes are external: to be better at relationships, to be less driven, addicted or impulsive, etc. Sometimes the outer life is just fine, but the inner life is characterized by doubt, insecurity, lack of meaning, and so on. Ultimately, the analogy of “travel companion” might be the best fit, to convey the idea of a therapeutic relationship.
Everyone is unique! You are unique!
Guaranteed: there is not one other person in the entire world that is you.
Written over the Oracle at Delphi in ancient Greece was carved: “Know Thyself”. The Oracle was the ancient equivalent of a mental health clinic. People would go there to consult with a priestess, to have their dreams interpreted, to gain understanding before embarking upon a voyage or new stage of life. The admonition remains valid: Know thyself!
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