A Typical Session
That title is a bit misleading, because every session is as unique as the person seeking change, relief, validation, or what have you. But sessions do have some things in common.
Therapy, coaching, counselling: it is all about change. Learning and striving and allowing to change one or more of the following: habits, reactions, patterns of behaviour, thoughts, impulses, cravings, assumptions, beliefs, speech, fears, obsessions and goals, as needed. Figuring out what needs to change isn’t always straightforward; and making the changes takes some effort and time, but also, it involves lots of letting go, and stopping futile efforts.
Right off the start, the counsellor will be making efforts to understand you, and create a sense of safety by conveying that he or she understands. We all want to feel heard and understood; and that is especially crucial in the counselling session. There is a standard blurb about confidentiality and duty to intervene when suicide, murder or child abuse comes to light. Maybe some papers to sign, confirming the givens of legalities, payment and things like social media limitations.
I will begin with some small talk, designed to be non-threatening. Small talk establishes speaking style, general level of stress and emotional charge, body language, and more. Most of all, small talk creates a non-threatening space that allows each other to unconsciously gauge and assess the other. As one of my mentors told me, “the unconscious always recognizes a friend.” Sometimes we just know if a personal connection has promise or not.
The first session or two, I will usually teach a breathing technique designed to induce a strong feeling of calm. Doing so establishes two things: 1- that I am results oriented, and you can expect that attitude to carry forward, and 2- you get “proof of concept” that you, without any doubt, can feel better.
I will ask some basic questions of a “getting to know you” nature, and ask what questions you have about me or therapy. I will especially ask what previous experiences you have had with counselling and therapy, because I have learned that not everyone has had positive experiences, and no matter the quality of the experience, prior sessions carry forward into the present, in the form of expectation and assumptions. Prior bad experiences tell me two things: 1 – you must really have a strong need, to be trying again after having been put off, and 2- you will be especially cautious moving forward. I will ask what it was, exactly, that didn’t work, and explain that I wouldn’t want to repeat any past mistakes or mis-matched efforts.
No matter the issue, I will always ask what you have tried already to remedy the situation. That is just basic respect on my part, presuming that you have already done your best, and not wanting to suggest things that you have already tried. Sometimes, a person really was on the right track, but had one thing wrong, such as the timing, not enough repetition, or whatever.
I will also carefully ask about exceptions: those times when you feel better, when the problem isn’t as bad. And most important, I will always ask about the exact time the problem first appeared. That timing has been the “golden key” to understanding and treatment, more times than I can count.
At one point, I always ask what is sacred in your life. Do you have any religious or spiritual practice, a meditation routine, a love of Nature, etc.? That dimension is almost always a source of strength, healing, and context for any treatment. Frequently, though, problems have their source in a rigid or incompatible religious upbringing, or in an unexpected spiritual experience later in life that goes against long held beliefs. Psycho-spiritual problems are increasing, as we become more aware as a society, as the use of hallucinogens becomes more common place, and Eastern meditation disciplines get adopted.
Not all of the above areas will be covered, necessarily, in the first session. Timing and pacing is everything. While I am doing all those things, I will be planting as many seeds of new ideas as possible, in the form of little remarks, questions to be looked at later, hopeful notions, and so on.
Every session, I will ask how things went since the last time we spoke. This gives us both valuable information about how healing plans and efforts are working. There is usually some element of experimentation involved, as we test hypotheses, test tools for applicability, and check to see if the results are what we had hoped for. There are no cookie-cutter remedies that apply to everyone, in the same way. I will also ask every session if I have said something that you did not understand, or that you felt was offensive, minimizing, or inappropriate. Again, it is about seeking feedback, and making certain that we are communicating well. I am only human, and like everyone else, prone to error.
Coaching type sessions are very results oriented, because the focus is usually on something in your external environment, or something that can be easily measured, such as your weight, number of drinks, or boundaries at work set.
Psychotherapy type sessions are also results oriented, but in a different way, with a different expectation about timing. Making changes in your inner world usually takes more time, or at least, takes time to consolidate and stabilize. That is because inner patterns are typically formed after years of conditioning. When an inner pattern is formed instantly, such as when trauma happens, the de-traumatization process can also happen very quickly; but the difficulty comes afterwards, because of all the learned habits and patterns that grew after years of untreated trauma. I usually have to caution people to not expect results too quickly, to give it time, and so on….which leads to the paradoxical effect of a quickening of natural healing processes.
I have learned to be open about whatever might come next. Life is full of twists and turns, some lives are more filled with chaos and drama than others, and the most carefully laid out treatment plan gets easily shredded on the barbs of reality. But it is all good, because those painful encounters with reality are real life examples of what you are dealing with, and are perfectly fine material for understanding and making the changes you need.
Sooner or later, I will usually share a model of the human being and consciousness, that helps make sense of all the different parts of us: the ego, the personality (what is the difference), the soul; the higher self and the lower self; intellect and intuition, different sub-personalities and roles we take on in various life arenas, where the Soul fits in, the meaning of dreams, and so on. Such mental maps help us make sense of our inner and outer worlds, and help with navigation through life.
A session will usually end with a plan for the coming week(s). You are the person with all the power to make changes, and to feel better. The real work happens in between sessions, in your daily life, as you apply what you learned in the session. How much you can do that is a matter of readiness, motivation, how well I taught a tool, unexpected stressors, timing, inner obstacles such as fear of change, and so on. The idea is to be generally moving forward, even if sometimes there is a step or two backwards.